DEEPLY DIPPY
![Picture](/uploads/2/6/5/7/26575219/_76776.jpg)
The news that Dippy the diplodocus was to be removed from its place in the central hall of the Natural History Museum had people incandescent with rage - over the pronunciation of diplodocus.
Some said diplodocus whilst others were adamant it was diplodocus. What a ridiculous thing to get annoyed about, because it’s pronounced DIPLODOCUS!! - Some other words people often mispronounce include library and et cetera, and don’t get me started on Uranus - It’s a difficult time for everyone at the museum, but spare a thought for whoever has to break the bad news to poor old Dippy.
DIRECTOR
Ah there you are Dippy.
DIPPY
I’m always here Director.
DIRECTOR
What? Ah yes of course. Listen Dippy, that’s what I wanted to speak to you about - you being here.
DIPPY
What do you mean?
DIRECTOR
You’ve been at the Natural History Museum an awfully long time haven’t you?
DIPPY
No I wouldn’t say that.
DIRECTOR
You started work here over 110 years ago.
DIPPY
Exactly. A mere blink of an eye for a sauropod from the late Jurassic period.
DIRECTOR
Most dinosaurs have retired by time they are 135million.
DIPPY
Oh I could never retire. Generations of schoolchildren have come here to see me. I’m a bone idol. If I left what would replace me?
DIRECTOR
A whale.
DIPPY
Ha-Ha. Nice one!
DIRECTOR
Let me put it this way Dippy - have you ever thought about a change of scene? Perhaps traveling or spending more time with your family?
DIPPY
My family were wiped out by a meteor strike.
DIRECTOR
I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.
DIPPY
You should do, it’s written on the wall over there.
DIRECTOR
How can I put this politely? Dippy you’re getting a bit long in the tooth.
DIPPY
Oh no. No, no, no - a diplodocus is long in the neck. You're thinking of the tyrannosaurus, now they’re really long in the tooth. Did you know some of their teeth were over 8inches in length?
DIRECTOR
Dippy we want to take the museum in a new direction. Get some fresh faces onboard.
DIPPY
Are you saying you want to replace me with a younger model?
DIRECTOR
Not a model - an actual skeleton.
DIPPY
What of? A stegosaurus? Ha more like a mega-bore-us!.. Not an iguanodon? Tell me it’s not an iguanodon? No don’t tell me, because if it’s an iguanodon I don-wan-a know.
DIRECTOR
It’s a blue whale Dippy. You’re being replaced by a blue whale.
DIPPY
A blue whale?? But, but, they’re not even extinct!
DIRECTOR
Not yet, but give it a few years.
DIPPY
You do know I’m a dinosaur don’t you?
DIRECTOR
There’ll always be a place for you here in the Natural History Museum Dippy.
DIPPY
And where would that place be exactly? Stuffed into a packing crate and chucked into the back of some dusty old storeroom?
DIRECTOR
I’m sure you’ll not be short of offers. You could always pick up work advertising the latest Jurassic park movie.
DIPPY
Oh and what happens in that one? Do all the dinosaurs get replaced with whales?
DIRECTOR
I’m sorry Dippy, the museum board has made its decision. You can work front of house for the next 3 months but then-
DIPPY
I’m history. I get it. Very well, but I should warn you I’m not going down without a fight.
DIRECTOR
Really Dippy? Your skeletal structure suggests that you weren’t designed for fighting, not unless you came upon a particularly fearsome tree fern.
DIPPY
I’m going to sue - for wrongful dismissal.
DIRECTOR
Oh, on what grounds?
DIPPY
(PAUSE) Age discrimination.
Some said diplodocus whilst others were adamant it was diplodocus. What a ridiculous thing to get annoyed about, because it’s pronounced DIPLODOCUS!! - Some other words people often mispronounce include library and et cetera, and don’t get me started on Uranus - It’s a difficult time for everyone at the museum, but spare a thought for whoever has to break the bad news to poor old Dippy.
DIRECTOR
Ah there you are Dippy.
DIPPY
I’m always here Director.
DIRECTOR
What? Ah yes of course. Listen Dippy, that’s what I wanted to speak to you about - you being here.
DIPPY
What do you mean?
DIRECTOR
You’ve been at the Natural History Museum an awfully long time haven’t you?
DIPPY
No I wouldn’t say that.
DIRECTOR
You started work here over 110 years ago.
DIPPY
Exactly. A mere blink of an eye for a sauropod from the late Jurassic period.
DIRECTOR
Most dinosaurs have retired by time they are 135million.
DIPPY
Oh I could never retire. Generations of schoolchildren have come here to see me. I’m a bone idol. If I left what would replace me?
DIRECTOR
A whale.
DIPPY
Ha-Ha. Nice one!
DIRECTOR
Let me put it this way Dippy - have you ever thought about a change of scene? Perhaps traveling or spending more time with your family?
DIPPY
My family were wiped out by a meteor strike.
DIRECTOR
I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.
DIPPY
You should do, it’s written on the wall over there.
DIRECTOR
How can I put this politely? Dippy you’re getting a bit long in the tooth.
DIPPY
Oh no. No, no, no - a diplodocus is long in the neck. You're thinking of the tyrannosaurus, now they’re really long in the tooth. Did you know some of their teeth were over 8inches in length?
DIRECTOR
Dippy we want to take the museum in a new direction. Get some fresh faces onboard.
DIPPY
Are you saying you want to replace me with a younger model?
DIRECTOR
Not a model - an actual skeleton.
DIPPY
What of? A stegosaurus? Ha more like a mega-bore-us!.. Not an iguanodon? Tell me it’s not an iguanodon? No don’t tell me, because if it’s an iguanodon I don-wan-a know.
DIRECTOR
It’s a blue whale Dippy. You’re being replaced by a blue whale.
DIPPY
A blue whale?? But, but, they’re not even extinct!
DIRECTOR
Not yet, but give it a few years.
DIPPY
You do know I’m a dinosaur don’t you?
DIRECTOR
There’ll always be a place for you here in the Natural History Museum Dippy.
DIPPY
And where would that place be exactly? Stuffed into a packing crate and chucked into the back of some dusty old storeroom?
DIRECTOR
I’m sure you’ll not be short of offers. You could always pick up work advertising the latest Jurassic park movie.
DIPPY
Oh and what happens in that one? Do all the dinosaurs get replaced with whales?
DIRECTOR
I’m sorry Dippy, the museum board has made its decision. You can work front of house for the next 3 months but then-
DIPPY
I’m history. I get it. Very well, but I should warn you I’m not going down without a fight.
DIRECTOR
Really Dippy? Your skeletal structure suggests that you weren’t designed for fighting, not unless you came upon a particularly fearsome tree fern.
DIPPY
I’m going to sue - for wrongful dismissal.
DIRECTOR
Oh, on what grounds?
DIPPY
(PAUSE) Age discrimination.
DEAD END
I think our constant road building is leading to a dead end. What’s going to happen in a hundred years time when there’s no longer anywhere left for us to build roads? Hmm I wonder... I wonder...
BRITAIN 2115AD
ALDOUS
I don’t need to tell you all that the new M49638 motorway will provide a vital transport link connecting the M35724 with the M17325, the M23988 the M34413 and the A304724659.. 4.... 2............. 8.
LILLIAN
I’m sorry, but the proposed route of the M49638 would involve building over some of our last remaining stretches of M60249, concreting over the lovely M81712 and ploughing up mile after mile of historic A67980457.
OTTO
The M49638 will bring vital roadbuilding jobs to the M37026 region, provide a much needed boost for road sign manufacturers and create around 150,000 new jobs in the motorway service station industry. As I’m sure you’re aware the number of motorway service stations have been in decline over the last five years and now employs just 93% of the British workforce.
LILLIAN
I’m well aware of the economic arguments for a road building program to build roads on top of our roads, but the M60249 is an area of outstanding tarmac-ed beauty! Building over it with another the road would prevent millions of motorists from enjoying the great British roadside.
OTTO
This is typical of you NIMBRs.
LILLIAN
NIMBR?
OTTO
Not In My Back Road.
LILLIAN
That’s got nothing to do with it. The M60249 passes through some of the most spectacular roads in Britain. The wonderful straight lanes of the A8975635, the fabulous winding A899774, and the A7892773 with its stunning views of the A785484 and A304586.
ALDOUS
The fact of the matter is that we are a small island, who ran out of countryside on which to build our roads more than 60 years ago. If we are to remain competitive in the global race to concrete over the entire world we are going to have to build more roads on top of our roads.
LILLIAN
But we need to protect our roadbuilding heritage! Every year we build an area of road the size of Wales.. on Wales! We’re building roads on top of roads but where’s it going to end?
OTTO
Roads on top roads on top of roads.
LILLIAN
Do we really want to be responsible for creating a world in which our children are denied the simple pleasures of a quaint old bypass or historic expressway?
OTTO
Don’t be ridiculous, of course they’ll still be able to enjoy them.. if they look them up on Google Holograms.
LILLIAN
It’s not the same, and you know it! What about road diversity?
ALDOUS
Please settle down. Look, I understand your concerns but I can reassure you that M49638 won’t be another 300 lane super-motorway......... It’ll be 250 lanes at the most.
LILLIAN
That’s what you said about the M38897.
ALDOUS
I think we should put it to a vote. All those in favour of giving the new motorway the green light. Please press your car horns now.
THE SOUND OF A MILLION CAR HORNS
ALDOUS
And all those against.
ONE LITTLE CAR HORN BEEP
BRITAIN 2115AD
ALDOUS
I don’t need to tell you all that the new M49638 motorway will provide a vital transport link connecting the M35724 with the M17325, the M23988 the M34413 and the A304724659.. 4.... 2............. 8.
LILLIAN
I’m sorry, but the proposed route of the M49638 would involve building over some of our last remaining stretches of M60249, concreting over the lovely M81712 and ploughing up mile after mile of historic A67980457.
OTTO
The M49638 will bring vital roadbuilding jobs to the M37026 region, provide a much needed boost for road sign manufacturers and create around 150,000 new jobs in the motorway service station industry. As I’m sure you’re aware the number of motorway service stations have been in decline over the last five years and now employs just 93% of the British workforce.
LILLIAN
I’m well aware of the economic arguments for a road building program to build roads on top of our roads, but the M60249 is an area of outstanding tarmac-ed beauty! Building over it with another the road would prevent millions of motorists from enjoying the great British roadside.
OTTO
This is typical of you NIMBRs.
LILLIAN
NIMBR?
OTTO
Not In My Back Road.
LILLIAN
That’s got nothing to do with it. The M60249 passes through some of the most spectacular roads in Britain. The wonderful straight lanes of the A8975635, the fabulous winding A899774, and the A7892773 with its stunning views of the A785484 and A304586.
ALDOUS
The fact of the matter is that we are a small island, who ran out of countryside on which to build our roads more than 60 years ago. If we are to remain competitive in the global race to concrete over the entire world we are going to have to build more roads on top of our roads.
LILLIAN
But we need to protect our roadbuilding heritage! Every year we build an area of road the size of Wales.. on Wales! We’re building roads on top of roads but where’s it going to end?
OTTO
Roads on top roads on top of roads.
LILLIAN
Do we really want to be responsible for creating a world in which our children are denied the simple pleasures of a quaint old bypass or historic expressway?
OTTO
Don’t be ridiculous, of course they’ll still be able to enjoy them.. if they look them up on Google Holograms.
LILLIAN
It’s not the same, and you know it! What about road diversity?
ALDOUS
Please settle down. Look, I understand your concerns but I can reassure you that M49638 won’t be another 300 lane super-motorway......... It’ll be 250 lanes at the most.
LILLIAN
That’s what you said about the M38897.
ALDOUS
I think we should put it to a vote. All those in favour of giving the new motorway the green light. Please press your car horns now.
THE SOUND OF A MILLION CAR HORNS
ALDOUS
And all those against.
ONE LITTLE CAR HORN BEEP
nature magazines
MARTIN
What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?
FIONA
I found them Martin.
MARTIN
Found what?
FIONA
Your (disgusted) magazines. I found them at the back of the cupboard.
MARTIN:
What magazines?
FIONA
Don't try to deny it.. these magazines!
What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?
FIONA
I found them Martin.
MARTIN
Found what?
FIONA
Your (disgusted) magazines. I found them at the back of the cupboard.
MARTIN:
What magazines?
FIONA
Don't try to deny it.. these magazines!
MARTIN
Those are my wildlife magazines?
FIONA
Oh god, you're not even going to bother trying to deny it are you!?
MARTIN
I've always been interested in wildlife.
FIONA
Oh I feel ill.
MARTIN
Why what's the matter?
FIONA
What's the matter? The pictures in these magazines are sick. I mean look at that!.. What is that!!?
Those are my wildlife magazines?
FIONA
Oh god, you're not even going to bother trying to deny it are you!?
MARTIN
I've always been interested in wildlife.
FIONA
Oh I feel ill.
MARTIN
Why what's the matter?
FIONA
What's the matter? The pictures in these magazines are sick. I mean look at that!.. What is that!!?
MARTIN
It's a group of elephants at a waterhole.
FIONA
But they've got no clothes on. You can see everything. Nothing is left to the imagination!
MARTIN
It's just nature.
FIONA
Oh well what's so natural about this!?
It's a group of elephants at a waterhole.
FIONA
But they've got no clothes on. You can see everything. Nothing is left to the imagination!
MARTIN
It's just nature.
FIONA
Oh well what's so natural about this!?
MARTIN
A school of dolphins?
FIONA
They're still at school!!? This just gets worse! How would you feel if our daughter was photographed splashing about in the sea? Or, or, or, regurgitating a shrew to feed her young?
MARTIN
But she's not an animal.
FIONA
Animals, that's all they are to you, just animals! Well how do you think this panda's parents feel about one of their children doing this sort of work?
A school of dolphins?
FIONA
They're still at school!!? This just gets worse! How would you feel if our daughter was photographed splashing about in the sea? Or, or, or, regurgitating a shrew to feed her young?
MARTIN
But she's not an animal.
FIONA
Animals, that's all they are to you, just animals! Well how do you think this panda's parents feel about one of their children doing this sort of work?
MARTIN
What do you mean work?
FIONA
Don't be so naive Martin, most of them only appear in magazines like this to fund their bamboo habits.. or to pay off their pimps.
MARTIN
Pimps??
FIONA
How do you think it makes me feel knowing this is the sort of filth you're into? I mean what can you get from an article about the migration patterns of barnacle geese that you can't get from me?
MARTIN
You're being ridiculous.
FIONA
Oh ridiculous am I? Well excuse me for not having a vestigial tail, but I'm taking the kids to my mothers tonight. When I get back in the morning I want that filth out of the house, right?
MARTIN
Okay.. Okay!!
She storms out slamming the door on her way. Martin sighs.
MARTIN
You can come out now.
From out of the wardrobe steps...
What do you mean work?
FIONA
Don't be so naive Martin, most of them only appear in magazines like this to fund their bamboo habits.. or to pay off their pimps.
MARTIN
Pimps??
FIONA
How do you think it makes me feel knowing this is the sort of filth you're into? I mean what can you get from an article about the migration patterns of barnacle geese that you can't get from me?
MARTIN
You're being ridiculous.
FIONA
Oh ridiculous am I? Well excuse me for not having a vestigial tail, but I'm taking the kids to my mothers tonight. When I get back in the morning I want that filth out of the house, right?
MARTIN
Okay.. Okay!!
She storms out slamming the door on her way. Martin sighs.
MARTIN
You can come out now.
From out of the wardrobe steps...
MARTIN
She's gone to her mothers.
She's gone to her mothers.
MARTIN
I know, I know. I'll tell her!
I know, I know. I'll tell her!
MARTIN
When the time's right.. It's just not that easy.
When the time's right.. It's just not that easy.
MARTIN
Of course I love you.. Come on let's not fight.. We've got the place to ourselves.. Give me some sugar baby!
Of course I love you.. Come on let's not fight.. We've got the place to ourselves.. Give me some sugar baby!
MARTIN
OWW that's it, bite me! OWW Oh yeah OOAAHH that's what I'm AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH talking abouOWWWWOOOOOOAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Etc.
OWW that's it, bite me! OWW Oh yeah OOAAHH that's what I'm AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH talking abouOWWWWOOOOOOAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Etc.
i.t. & human resources
EXT. NIGHT- A FOREST CLEARING
THE GIANT RED DEMON, VORDRAX, SITS AND STARES INTO A FIRE. CLOSE BY THERE IS A MENACING CLOAKED FIGURE.
FX: SOUND OF GIANT WINGS
A MIGHTY WARRIOR APPROACHES
VORDRAX
Welcome Melgor. Leave your winged beast and step forward, for the sands of Darsnak are almost at and end there is much to do this night.
MELGOR
Greetings Vordax. It brightens my heart to be here with you. Many obstacles had I to overcome before I reached your citadel of darkness. First I did battle with the Iron Trolls of Grendor, then my battle dragon was-
VORDRAX
Yes, yes, enough prattling. I have waited long enough. It is time for our game to recommence.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR SITS BY THE FIRE.
MELGOR
Very well Vordrax, but you’re impatience may well be your undoing.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR PICKS UP SOME DICE MADE FROM DRAGONS TEETH AND THROWS THEM TO THE GROUND.
MELGOR (CONT.)
Nine… What does the book say?
THE RED DEMON PICKS UP AN ANCIENT BOOK BOUND IN HUMAN SKIN AND TURNS THE PAGES.
VORDRAX
Nine… here we are.. Nine... You are late for a presentation on department integration when your path is blocked by.. Helen from accounts. She asks you to finish off some photocopying.. what do you do?
MELGOR
Oh that Helen from accounts is a real bitch.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR RAISES HIS HAMMER ALOFT
MELGOR (CONT.)
I shall bring my singing hammer crashing down upon her skull-
VORDRAX
You can not do that!
MELGOR
By the gods why ever not?
VORDRAX
Because that’s not one of the options..You’ve got to roll the dice.
MELGOR
Oh yeah, right, sorry.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR ROLLS THE TEETH ONCE MORE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Seven.. By the Scared Helmet of Ooh Danon this is exciting.
VORDRAX
Well let’s get on with it. Right seven.. You stall Helen by telling her you’ve got an urgent report to take to the boss and keep walking.
MELGOR
Ha! Take that Helen from accounts!.. If only real life was like this. You know I’ve been thinking Vordrax.
VORDRAX
(Suspicious) What is Melgor?
MELGOR
From now on I want you to call me..
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Iain!!
VORDRAX
Iain? (Confused) Iain Firehammer?
ONCE AGAIN THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR
Iain.. Smith!
VORDRAX
Is this some sort of jest?
MELGOR
No. Melgor is such a boring name.
VORDRAX
And Iain Smith is a fucking stupid name for a barbarian warlord.
MELGOR
But my characters name is Iain.
VORDRAX
Exactly. Your character’s name. In a game of.. IT and Human resources!.. But it’s just a game Melgor!
MELGOR
Iain.
VORDRAX
You always take these things way too seriously.
MELGOR
I do not.
VORDRAX
Yes you do. I mean what’s that you’re wearing around you’re neck?
MELGOR
Tis a powerful amulet!
VORDRAX
No it’s not.. it’s a fucking tie!! You used to wear the bones of your enemies around your neck and now you’re dressed like you’re going to a conference on… fucking logistics!!! Look I know life can get a bit mundane, what with all the battles and dragon slaying, but you can’t live your life like it’s a game of IT and human resources. There’s no such thing as mortgages, or holiday pay, or sunday lunch with the in-laws! That’s all just a fantasy. Live in the real word Melgor!!
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR’S BOTTOM LIP STARTS TO QUIVER
MELGOR
It’s Iain!
VORDRAX SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TO THE SINISTER CLOAKED FIGURE FOR GUIDANCE.
CLOAKY
You look like a tit!!
THE GIANT RED DEMON, VORDRAX, SITS AND STARES INTO A FIRE. CLOSE BY THERE IS A MENACING CLOAKED FIGURE.
FX: SOUND OF GIANT WINGS
A MIGHTY WARRIOR APPROACHES
VORDRAX
Welcome Melgor. Leave your winged beast and step forward, for the sands of Darsnak are almost at and end there is much to do this night.
MELGOR
Greetings Vordax. It brightens my heart to be here with you. Many obstacles had I to overcome before I reached your citadel of darkness. First I did battle with the Iron Trolls of Grendor, then my battle dragon was-
VORDRAX
Yes, yes, enough prattling. I have waited long enough. It is time for our game to recommence.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR SITS BY THE FIRE.
MELGOR
Very well Vordrax, but you’re impatience may well be your undoing.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR PICKS UP SOME DICE MADE FROM DRAGONS TEETH AND THROWS THEM TO THE GROUND.
MELGOR (CONT.)
Nine… What does the book say?
THE RED DEMON PICKS UP AN ANCIENT BOOK BOUND IN HUMAN SKIN AND TURNS THE PAGES.
VORDRAX
Nine… here we are.. Nine... You are late for a presentation on department integration when your path is blocked by.. Helen from accounts. She asks you to finish off some photocopying.. what do you do?
MELGOR
Oh that Helen from accounts is a real bitch.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR RAISES HIS HAMMER ALOFT
MELGOR (CONT.)
I shall bring my singing hammer crashing down upon her skull-
VORDRAX
You can not do that!
MELGOR
By the gods why ever not?
VORDRAX
Because that’s not one of the options..You’ve got to roll the dice.
MELGOR
Oh yeah, right, sorry.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR ROLLS THE TEETH ONCE MORE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Seven.. By the Scared Helmet of Ooh Danon this is exciting.
VORDRAX
Well let’s get on with it. Right seven.. You stall Helen by telling her you’ve got an urgent report to take to the boss and keep walking.
MELGOR
Ha! Take that Helen from accounts!.. If only real life was like this. You know I’ve been thinking Vordrax.
VORDRAX
(Suspicious) What is Melgor?
MELGOR
From now on I want you to call me..
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Iain!!
VORDRAX
Iain? (Confused) Iain Firehammer?
ONCE AGAIN THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR
Iain.. Smith!
VORDRAX
Is this some sort of jest?
MELGOR
No. Melgor is such a boring name.
VORDRAX
And Iain Smith is a fucking stupid name for a barbarian warlord.
MELGOR
But my characters name is Iain.
VORDRAX
Exactly. Your character’s name. In a game of.. IT and Human resources!.. But it’s just a game Melgor!
MELGOR
Iain.
VORDRAX
You always take these things way too seriously.
MELGOR
I do not.
VORDRAX
Yes you do. I mean what’s that you’re wearing around you’re neck?
MELGOR
Tis a powerful amulet!
VORDRAX
No it’s not.. it’s a fucking tie!! You used to wear the bones of your enemies around your neck and now you’re dressed like you’re going to a conference on… fucking logistics!!! Look I know life can get a bit mundane, what with all the battles and dragon slaying, but you can’t live your life like it’s a game of IT and human resources. There’s no such thing as mortgages, or holiday pay, or sunday lunch with the in-laws! That’s all just a fantasy. Live in the real word Melgor!!
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR’S BOTTOM LIP STARTS TO QUIVER
MELGOR
It’s Iain!
VORDRAX SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TO THE SINISTER CLOAKED FIGURE FOR GUIDANCE.
CLOAKY
You look like a tit!!