i.t. & human resources
EXT. NIGHT- A FOREST CLEARING
THE GIANT RED DEMON, VORDRAX, SITS AND STARES INTO A FIRE. CLOSE BY THERE IS A MENACING CLOAKED FIGURE.
FX: SOUND OF GIANT WINGS
A MIGHTY WARRIOR APPROACHES
VORDRAX
Welcome Melgor. Leave your winged beast and step forward, for the sands of Darsnak are almost at and end there is much to do this night.
MELGOR
Greetings Vordax. It brightens my heart to be here with you. Many obstacles had I to overcome before I reached your citadel of darkness. First I did battle with the Iron Trolls of Grendor, then my battle dragon was-
VORDRAX
Yes, yes, enough prattling. I have waited long enough. It is time for our game to recommence.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR SITS BY THE FIRE.
MELGOR
Very well Vordrax, but you’re impatience may well be your undoing.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR PICKS UP SOME DICE MADE FROM DRAGONS TEETH AND THROWS THEM TO THE GROUND.
MELGOR (CONT.)
Nine… What does the book say?
THE RED DEMON PICKS UP AN ANCIENT BOOK BOUND IN HUMAN SKIN AND TURNS THE PAGES.
VORDRAX
Nine… here we are.. Nine... You are late for a presentation on department integration when your path is blocked by.. Helen from accounts. She asks you to finish off some photocopying.. what do you do?
MELGOR
Oh that Helen from accounts is a real bitch.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR RAISES HIS HAMMER ALOFT
MELGOR (CONT.)
I shall bring my singing hammer crashing down upon her skull-
VORDRAX
You can not do that!
MELGOR
By the gods why ever not?
VORDRAX
Because that’s not one of the options..You’ve got to roll the dice.
MELGOR
Oh yeah, right, sorry.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR ROLLS THE TEETH ONCE MORE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Seven.. By the Scared Helmet of Ooh Danon this is exciting.
VORDRAX
Well let’s get on with it. Right seven.. You stall Helen by telling her you’ve got an urgent report to take to the boss and keep walking.
MELGOR
Ha! Take that Helen from accounts!.. If only real life was like this. You know I’ve been thinking Vordrax.
VORDRAX
(Suspicious) What is Melgor?
MELGOR
From now on I want you to call me..
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Iain!!
VORDRAX
Iain? (Confused) Iain Firehammer?
ONCE AGAIN THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR
Iain.. Smith!
VORDRAX
Is this some sort of jest?
MELGOR
No. Melgor is such a boring name.
VORDRAX
And Iain Smith is a fucking stupid name for a barbarian warlord.
MELGOR
But my characters name is Iain.
VORDRAX
Exactly. Your character’s name. In a game of.. IT and Human resources!.. But it’s just a game Melgor!
MELGOR
Iain.
VORDRAX
You always take these things way too seriously.
MELGOR
I do not.
VORDRAX
Yes you do. I mean what’s that you’re wearing around you’re neck?
MELGOR
Tis a powerful amulet!
VORDRAX
No it’s not.. it’s a fucking tie!! You used to wear the bones of your enemies around your neck and now you’re dressed like you’re going to a conference on… fucking logistics!!! Look I know life can get a bit mundane, what with all the battles and dragon slaying, but you can’t live your life like it’s a game of IT and human resources. There’s no such thing as mortgages, or holiday pay, or sunday lunch with the in-laws! That’s all just a fantasy. Live in the real word Melgor!!
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR’S BOTTOM LIP STARTS TO QUIVER
MELGOR
It’s Iain!
VORDRAX SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TO THE SINISTER CLOAKED FIGURE FOR GUIDANCE.
CLOAKY
You look like a tit!!
THE GIANT RED DEMON, VORDRAX, SITS AND STARES INTO A FIRE. CLOSE BY THERE IS A MENACING CLOAKED FIGURE.
FX: SOUND OF GIANT WINGS
A MIGHTY WARRIOR APPROACHES
VORDRAX
Welcome Melgor. Leave your winged beast and step forward, for the sands of Darsnak are almost at and end there is much to do this night.
MELGOR
Greetings Vordax. It brightens my heart to be here with you. Many obstacles had I to overcome before I reached your citadel of darkness. First I did battle with the Iron Trolls of Grendor, then my battle dragon was-
VORDRAX
Yes, yes, enough prattling. I have waited long enough. It is time for our game to recommence.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR SITS BY THE FIRE.
MELGOR
Very well Vordrax, but you’re impatience may well be your undoing.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR PICKS UP SOME DICE MADE FROM DRAGONS TEETH AND THROWS THEM TO THE GROUND.
MELGOR (CONT.)
Nine… What does the book say?
THE RED DEMON PICKS UP AN ANCIENT BOOK BOUND IN HUMAN SKIN AND TURNS THE PAGES.
VORDRAX
Nine… here we are.. Nine... You are late for a presentation on department integration when your path is blocked by.. Helen from accounts. She asks you to finish off some photocopying.. what do you do?
MELGOR
Oh that Helen from accounts is a real bitch.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR RAISES HIS HAMMER ALOFT
MELGOR (CONT.)
I shall bring my singing hammer crashing down upon her skull-
VORDRAX
You can not do that!
MELGOR
By the gods why ever not?
VORDRAX
Because that’s not one of the options..You’ve got to roll the dice.
MELGOR
Oh yeah, right, sorry.
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR ROLLS THE TEETH ONCE MORE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Seven.. By the Scared Helmet of Ooh Danon this is exciting.
VORDRAX
Well let’s get on with it. Right seven.. You stall Helen by telling her you’ve got an urgent report to take to the boss and keep walking.
MELGOR
Ha! Take that Helen from accounts!.. If only real life was like this. You know I’ve been thinking Vordrax.
VORDRAX
(Suspicious) What is Melgor?
MELGOR
From now on I want you to call me..
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR (CONT.)
Iain!!
VORDRAX
Iain? (Confused) Iain Firehammer?
ONCE AGAIN THE MIGHTY WARRIOR LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE
MELGOR
Iain.. Smith!
VORDRAX
Is this some sort of jest?
MELGOR
No. Melgor is such a boring name.
VORDRAX
And Iain Smith is a fucking stupid name for a barbarian warlord.
MELGOR
But my characters name is Iain.
VORDRAX
Exactly. Your character’s name. In a game of.. IT and Human resources!.. But it’s just a game Melgor!
MELGOR
Iain.
VORDRAX
You always take these things way too seriously.
MELGOR
I do not.
VORDRAX
Yes you do. I mean what’s that you’re wearing around you’re neck?
MELGOR
Tis a powerful amulet!
VORDRAX
No it’s not.. it’s a fucking tie!! You used to wear the bones of your enemies around your neck and now you’re dressed like you’re going to a conference on… fucking logistics!!! Look I know life can get a bit mundane, what with all the battles and dragon slaying, but you can’t live your life like it’s a game of IT and human resources. There’s no such thing as mortgages, or holiday pay, or sunday lunch with the in-laws! That’s all just a fantasy. Live in the real word Melgor!!
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR’S BOTTOM LIP STARTS TO QUIVER
MELGOR
It’s Iain!
VORDRAX SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TO THE SINISTER CLOAKED FIGURE FOR GUIDANCE.
CLOAKY
You look like a tit!!